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Sexual addictions are among the
least talked about and probably the least understood
of all addictions. Sexual addiction has been
around apparently going back as far as we have
recorded history. The lack of knowledge and
understanding about it comes from our society’s
unwillingness to take an honest and open look
at sexuality. However, it has only been in the
last two or three decades that a clearer understanding
of it is being reached. Sexual addiction is
rapidly becoming recognized as a major social
problem with similarities more well-known to
alcohol and drug addiction or compulsive gambling.
Today, the concept that a person could be hooked
on sex is unsettling to most people. People
are more able to admit to have bad habits, but
shy away from saying that they are hooked on
someone or something. This fear comes from society’s
stereotype of addicts (Book, 1997, pp 14).
Sexual addicts are those who
engage in persistent and escalating patterns
of sexual behavior acted out despite increasingly
negative consequences to self and to others.
They become addicted to the neuro-chemical changes
that take place in the body during sexual behavior.
To be seen as addict is to be seen as being
inferior or defective. Usually an addicted person
is considered “weak” or lazy (Knauer,
2002, pp183). In the late 1970’s, Patrick
Carnes, a psychologist and researcher, was instrumental
in the initial identification and treatment
of sexual addiction as a condition. After a
ten year research, Carnes estimated about 8%
of the total population of men and 3%of women
are sexually addicted. That adds up to 15 million
people who suffer from this problem. Sexual
addiction has many different forms: compulsive
masturbation, sex with prostitutes, anonymous
sex with multiple partners, multiple affairs
outside a committed relationship, habitual exhibitionism,
habitual voyeurism, inappropriate sexual touching,
repeated sexual abuse of children, and episodes
of rape (Book, 1997). Of all forms of sexual
addiction, none is more harmful to both the
addict and the victim than childhood sexual
abuse.
The beginnings of sexual addiction
are usually rooted up in adolescence or childhood.
It is found that 60% of sexual addicts were
abused by someone in their childhood (Book,
1997,pp 52). The child may have grown up in
a hostile, chaotic or neglectful home, or the
family may have been very normal but the child
grows up emotionally starved for love because
affection is rarely expressed. Gradually sex
becomes a replacement act to turn to in times
of any kind of need, from escaping boredom,
to feeling anxious, to being able to sleep at
night. The child may repeatedly turn to masturbation
for escape. Masturbation can be a normal and
natural part of childhood. In other cases, the
child maybe introduced to sex in inappropriate
ways. Instead of the normal sexual experimentation
that often takes place out of curiosity between
similar aged children at some point growing
up, some are brought to it by some adult who
uses them instead of another adult for their
own sexual pleasure. It may even be another
child who is five or more years older where
the sexual experience doesn’t feel mutual.
In these experiences, there often is a combination
of natural curiosity, newfound pleasurable feelings
and even the feelings of fear or shame (Carnes,
1991 pp 31-40).
Sex addicts don’t necessarily
enjoy sex more than other people. In all reality,
the sex addict is compelled to act out sexually.
The addicts themselves may not be able to understand
why they are acting out sexually or why constant
thoughts either of having sex with someone or
compulsively masturbating fill their minds,
and push out other avenues of interest. The
addiction is often mistaken by the sex addict
as “love”, but love really has nothing
to do with it. What passes for love, is really
a progressively negative and intrusive behavior
that takes away all of the addict’s self-esteem.
It has little to do with true intimacy, but
more so involves exploration and use of power
or manipulation. Sex addicts have no comprehension
of the risks they are taking. They feel their
life is out of control. To deal with the pain,
the addict may resort to other addictions such
as alcoholism, eating disorders, and abusive
drugs. Many times suicide is also a constant
thought. Or the addicts will punish themselves
by engaging in sexual acts that are degrading.
Sometimes so degrading that the addicts can’t
share what is happening with anyone else in
their lives. “Contrary to enjoying sex
as a self affirming source of physical pleasure,
the addict has learned to rely on sex for comfort
from pain for nurturing or relief from stress”
(Carnes, 1991, pp 34). The constant need for
excitement and conquest takes the focus off
addict’s internal pain and sense of being
unconnected to what should have been meaning
in the addict’s life. The addict maybe
addicted primarily to one behavior, but the
forms of sexual addiction would be exhaustive
and increases with the addicts needing to find
new ways of sexual thrillers. Each new sexual
adventure gives meaning to the sex addict’s
life, for a short time. The relief that the
sex addict gets from each new sexual conquest
is temporary and must be repeated with new partners
over and over again when any sense of boredom
or routine begins in the relationship. Sexual
addiction, by contrast, usually is a preoccupation
with sexual arousal and sexual release which
often has little to do with who the person is
and requires no relationship. The addict feels
shame about what he or she is doing or has done
usually immediately after engaging in sex acts
that violate some of the person’s standards,
sometimes even denying the shame, which causes
the addict to live a double life. Well-known,
respected, and admired in his visible life,
but secretly engaging regularly in sexual acts
that would be shocking to those who know him.
The addiction doesn’t make a person worthless,
it just hides the addict’s true personality
and positive qualities.
Many addicts, however, are not
involved in any public activities that would
enhance their level of arousal. Instead they
spend hours reading or watching pornography,
with eventually masturbation as part of their
activity. The internet has become the newest,
most rapidly growing form of sexual acting out
for many sexual addicts today. A lot of sexual
addicts have added computer sex to their repertoire.
They spend increasingly amounts of time surfing
the net, downloading and reading information
on sex bulletin boards, and exchanging sexual
information with others in sexual chat rooms
or directing their own live sex shows on interactive
sites. The internet just happens to provide
many of the things sex addicts seek all in one
place; isolation, secrecy, fantasy material,
endless varieties, around the clock availability,
and instant accessibility. Sex addicts on the
internet often experience a rapid progression
of their addiction. They eventually move to
more extreme behavior with taking greater risks,
and even getting caught more frequently. In
some cases the sped up progression of the addict’s
problem via the internet can turn into a blessing,
since it can move the addict into the consequences
more quickly, which can cause him to get help.
Sexual addiction is progressive
and it rarely gets better. Over time it gets
more frequent and more extreme. At other times
when it seems under control, the addict is merely
engaging in one of the common traits of the
disease process in which he switches from sexual
release to the control of it. The control phase
inevitably breaks down over time and the addict
is back in the behavior again, despite his promise
to himself or others never to do it again. When
the ecstasy of the release is spent, the addict
will feel remorse at his failure and will switch
back to another “white knuckle”
period of abstaining from the behavior until
his resolve weakens again. Besides being addicted
to sexual behavior, some sex addicts are also
sexually codependent. These are the addicts
who don’t really enjoy sex, but are involved
in the sexual acts just to please their partners.
They fear abandonment, so they don’t tell
their partners that they are not enjoying the
sex. Without help, this is the way the sexually
addictive person lives life. Many addicts seek
help but discontinue it or find it not helpful.
They have a growing appreciation of the reality
of the problem but tend to counter this realization
by minimizing the problem or thinking they can
handle it by themselves. Most fear that letting
go of the addiction would mean giving up sex
completely.
Addiction can be a positive
factor on one’s life, if we realize that
it may be the one thing that enables one to
endure the very worst situations and go on to
live a life that can later be full and rewarding.
It is how the addiction is addressed and dealt
with that will determine how the addict will
fare later life. Addiction may have been the
tool that has kept the survivor’s feelings
and memories at bay. Recovery is not a straight
incline leading directly to a desired goal,
but it does follow a somewhat predictable path.
To get on this path, the addict must first recognize
his or her problem and be able to address their
addictive behavior, then must understand the
role that the addiction has served. The addict
must learn the value of his self as a whole
person, rather than as a sexual object. By doing
this, the addict will understand that recovery
is not possible without abstaining from it.
By doing this they are able to develop a new
sense of themselves. They begin to appreciate
their sense of strength and purpose. They begin
to take responsibility for their own lives and
happiness. Then a new way of looking at life
emerges.
REFERENCES
Book, Praeger. (1997). Sex
& Love Addiction, Treatment &
Recovery. New York: Lucerne Publishing.
Knauer, Sandra. (2002). Recovering
from Sexual Abuse, Addictions, & Compulsive
Behaviors. New York: Haworth Press.
Carnes, Patrick. (1997). Don’t
Call it Love. Minnesota: Gentle Press.
Silverman, Sue. (2001). Love
Sick. New York: Norton & Company.
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