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Bullying in the home can be worse than in the
schoolyard because the victim must live with
this every day. In any household where children
live together and grow up together, there can
be sibling abuse.
This form of abuse may have been sexual, physical,
or emotional. Abuse can happen between step-children,
foster children, adopted children, or birth
children. Usually the more powerful, older sibling
will use their position in the home to abuse
another sibling, leaving them feeling powerless,
trapped and ashamed of the abuse. Children may
not know if certain behaviour is acceptable
or not: children have to be taught the difference.
Sibling abuse may lead to emotional and physical
trauma.
The abuse won’t stop if parents ignore
it, turn the other way, blame the victim, excuse
it as sibling rivalry, or fail to believe their
children when they are told about the abuse.
Sibling abuse, and parent’s negative responses
to this abuse, can cause a lot of damage when
children grow into adult hood.
Sexual Sibling Abuse:
Sibling sexual abuse can be very harmful. The
victim can feel trapped, ashamed, helpless,
responsible, and powerless to stop the abuse.
The abuser may use physical abuse and threats
to ensure that the victim will not talk about
it to others in the family. In any sexual abuse
situation the victim may also feel betrayed
by the abuser. Siblings trust each other, and
they may not expect the other sibling to hurt
them. They may also believe that the parent(s)
accept this behaviour because the parent(s)
left the victim in the care of the abuser.
When looking at the age differences in children,
two to four years age gap means they are worlds
apart developmentally. To adults, a few years
doesn’t really mean much difference. But
because of the growth of the brain, body changes,
and understanding/comprehension, it is very
easy for an older sibling to trick a younger
one into sexual acts.
If both the children are very young and close
in age, curiosity between the different sexes
is common. For example, a three year old boy
wonders why his little sister doesn’t
have a penis. Sometimes children of the same
age play “show and tell” with their
genitals, they can pull down their pants and
show what they have. This is normal behaviour.
But if a teenage boy is watching his little
five year old sister while she is changing,
wondering what it would feel like to touch her,
then this is abusive behaviour. Sometimes parents
can also be involved, or instigate the sexual
abuse; in these cases, victim’s feel there
is nowhere to turn.
You may remember being very sexually active
as a teenager, could this behaviour have come
from some form of sibling sexual abuse? Did
you ever think about the attention your older
sibling gave you made you feel a little weird?
Did your parents condone sexually abusive behaviour?
For example, by thinking it was cute when your
older sibling seemed to always be fascinated
with your penis, wanting to touch it all the
time?
The consequences of sibling sexual abuse are
many when the child grows into adulthood. Some
issues include problems in romantic and family
relationships, and sexual problems. Although
you may be having these problems, you may also
experience, suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety,
substance abuse, and alcoholism. As a teenager
maybe you ran away at a young age, or you were
pregnant at a young age due to high sexual activity.
If you experienced physical abuse as well as
sexual abuse, then you are most likely to need
therapy help.
Physical Sibling Abuse:
This type of abuse is rarely reported, it is
often seen as sibling rivalry. Physical abuse
by a partner/husband/wife is seen as serious
but physical abuse between siblings can be minimized
and ignored. This type of abuse can also involve
sexual abuse.
Tension and problems within the family can
isolate children and leave victims of sibling
abuse feeling scared, alone, and helpless. The
older and bigger sibling can start off with
small things such as hitting, kicking, and pushing,
but this can escalate to serious violence, and
physical injury. Witnessing family violence
is also traumatic to children.
Sometimes the seriousness of physical violence
has been treated differently according to gender.
A female child who slaps/hits their younger
sibling, may be seen as just having a bad day,
whereas an older brother slapping or hitting
a younger sibling may be seen as having an anger
problem, or this offence may be laughed off
as “boys will be boys.”
Here is what one survivor said about their
abuse:
“My older sister was always left
in charge of me when I was younger. I grew up
in a single parent home. My mother worked until
5, but we were finished school at 3, so my sister
had to take care of me until my mother got home.
We had chores to do, one of us would clean the
livingroom, and the other would do the dishes
and clean the kitchen. Most of the time my teenager
sister did not want to clean at all. She would
yell at me and tell me I had better do the dishes
and vacuum the livingroom, or else! I challenged
her one day stating that this was unfair, we
had to take turns. She then got up, and went
to attack me. I ran up the stairs to get away
from her, and ran into the bedroom. She pushed
through the door, pulled me by my hair down
the stairs, threw me to the ground, and kicked
me. She was yelling that Mom put her in charge
so I better listen, or she will leave the mess,
and tell Mom that I didn’t do anything,
so then I would be in trouble.”
This is a significant example of abuse when
parents leave the older sibling to take care
of the younger one. The older sibling may be
angry at having to be in this position. Then
when the younger sibling doesn’t do what
the older one wants, there may be threats, and
physical violence. The younger sibling then
must live with this every day, being scared
in their own home.
Emotional Sibling Abuse:
Continued teasing, putting down, criticizing,
scaring (as in telling the child there are monsters
that are going to get them) is sibling verbal
and emotional abuse. The younger child tends
to look up to their older sibling for acceptance;
so if they are telling the younger ones that
they are fat, ugly, stupid, or that no one really
loves them, the younger child will believe it.
In turn this causes low self-esteem, and possibly
leads the victim to end up in an abusive relationship
later in life. There are many people who have
been traumatized by what their older sibling
told them, and have psychological scars.
Many times when the child comes to tell the
parent that the other sibling is name calling,
the parent tells that child to go tell the other
one to stop it, or just tells them to deal with
it themselves, also parents tend to blame the
victim by saying “don’t be a tattle
tale!”
A survivor gives an example of emotional abuse:
“As a young boy, I was overweight,
and I enjoyed school very much. My older brother
was on the football team in highschool, and
always had pretty girls over with his friends.
One time when he was babysitting me, I went
into the basement where they all would hang
out together, I wanted to know when Mom would
be home from her date. As I walked down the
stairs, they all stared at me. My older brother
rolled his eyes at me and said “What do
you want fatty? Some MORE FOOD! Ha Ha. Didn’t
you have enough at dinner?” Then they
all laughed at me, I ran upstairs to my room
and cried. I had been hoping they would let
me hang out with them until Mom got home. After
that I stayed away from my brother and his friends
in the basement. My Mother would ask me, “Why
don’t you go see what your brother is
doing? Maybe he will play with you.” That
would get my hopes up, maybe Mom had talked
to him, told him to be nicer. But every time
I would be rejected, told I was fat and nerdy,
that I would never get married because no one
would want me. It caused me to be very depressed,
and therefore I ate more and more.”
What Can Parents Do To Prevent Sibling
Abuse?
1. Reduce the rivalry in your
home between your children by setting rules
and boundaries that are clear for everyone.
Explain that you will not tolerate abusive behaviour
such as name-calling, hitting, belittling, provoking,
or “bad touching” between them.
By having boundaries in the home the children
become well aware of what abuse is, and be more
confident in telling a parent if the abuse has
already happened.
2. Do not give the older
children too much responsibility for, or power
over, a younger child. This can cause resentment
in the older child and can lead to abuse. Try
to have a babysitter, or after school care,
or a trusted adult to watch your children.
3. Set aside some time every
day to talk with your children about their day.
It is a good idea to talk to each child alone
at least a few times a week to ask them how
they are doing, if they have problems or concerns.
4. Know when to intervene
in your children’s arguments before they
become abusive. Children cannot possibly be
expected to work out every conflict on their
own. When you notice an argument is starting
to get worse, possibly leading to violence,
or name calling, step right in and separate
them so that you can listen to each side. This
way your children feel that they are being heard,
and you can come to a resolution.
5. Make sure you are keeping
an eye on what your children are watching on
television, reading, and what they are doing
on the internet. Find out more about your children
and what they are doing, in turn this can help
prevent abuse from happening in the first place.
When a child learns that sex can feel pleasurable,
ensure that you are talking to them about what
their responsibilities are, and teach their
right to say “no” to unwanted physical
touch, sexual or otherwise.
Remember:
Keep the lines of communication open between
all of the children in your home, make sure
to let them know that their bodies are to be
respected, be willing to talk about sexuality
and educate your children about sex, providing
information that is appropriate for the child’s
age. Most importantly, believe your children
when they come to talk to you about concerns
that they may have; children almost never make
up sexual abuse stories just to get someone
into trouble.
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