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An expert explains how to determine
if your child is a bully or a victim -- and
how to take appropriate, effective action!
If you're a parent concerned
about bullying, it's important to recognize
the signs that a child is a bully, as well as
the signs of one who is being victimized. This
is especially true if your child has a learning
disability (LD) or Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity
Disorder (AD/HD), conditions which make kids
more vulnerable to bullying. Being alert
and observant is critical, since victims are
often reluctant to report bullying.
Many victims don't report it to their parents
or teachers because they're embarrassed or humiliated
by the bullying. They may assume that adults
will accuse them of tattling or will tell them
to deal with it themselves. Some victims believe
there is nothing adults can do to get the bully
to stop. Naturally, bullies don't discuss their
misdeeds with their parents or teachers. If
their bullying behavior is reported and their
parents confront them, bullies usually deny
their involvement.
The victim: signs and
symptoms
A child who is a victim of bullying may display
one or more of the following behaviors at home*:
• Comes home from school
with clothing that's torn or in disarray, or
with damaged books.
• Has bruises, cuts,
and scratches, but can't give a logical explanation
for how he got them.
• Appears afraid or reluctant
to go to school in the morning, complaining
repeatedly of headaches or stomach pains.
• Chooses an "illogical"
route for going to and from school.
• Has bad dreams or cries
in his sleep.
• Loses interest in school
work, and his grades suffer. If your child normally
struggles in school because of a learning disability
and is teased about having LD, school may become
unbearable for him.
• Appears sad or depressed,
or shows unexpected mood shifts, irritability,
and sudden outbursts of temper.
• Requests money from
you to meet the bully's demands and might even
resort to stealing money from you or other family
members.
• Seems socially isolated,
with few — if any — real friends;
is rarely invited to parties or to the homes
of other kids. His fear of rejection may lead
him to shun others.
The bully: signs and
symptoms
A youngster who is bullying other kids may display
one or more of the following behaviors at home*:
• Has a strong need to
dominate and subdue others; asserts himself
with power and threats to get his own way.
• Intimidates his siblings
or kids in the neighborhood.
• Brags about his actual
or imagined superiority over other kids.
• Is hot-tempered, easily
angered, impulsive, and has low frustration
tolerance. Has difficulty conforming to rules
and tolerating adversities and delays. If he
has the impulsive/hyperactive type of AD/HD,
that could explain some of these behaviors;
if so, it's important to work with his doctor
and teachers to address and manage such behaviors.
• Cheating
• Oppositional, defiant,
and aggressive behavior toward adults, including
teachers and parents.
• Antisocial or criminal
behavior (such as stealing or vandalism), often
at a relatively early age. He may hang out with
the "wrong crowd."
* Adapted from Bullying at
School
What can parents of
the victim do?
If you know or suspect your
child is being bullied, but his school hasn't
communicated with you about the situation, you
should contact your child's teacher(s) right
away. Keep in mind that your primary goal should
be to get the school's cooperation to get the
bullying to stop. Knowing your own child
is being victimized can evoke strong feelings,
but you'll get much more cooperation from school
personnel if you can stick to the facts without
becoming overly emotional. While you
may want assurance that everyone involved is
punished severely, try to focus on putting an
end to the bullying!
If your child is a victim of
bullying, try helping him with the following
strategies:
Your attitude and actions
• Listen carefully to
your child's reports of being bullied. Be sympathetic
and take the problem seriously. Be careful not
to overreact or under-react.
• Do not blame the victim.
When a child finally works up the courage to
report bullying, it isn't appropriate to criticize
him for causing it or not handling the situation
correctly. For example, don't ask, "Well,
what did you do to bring it on?"
• Realize that for a
child who is being bullied, home is his refuge.
Expect him to have some difficult times in dealing
with victimization. Get professional help if
you think your child needs it.
• Encourage your child
to keep talking to you. Spend extra time with
him. Provide constant support and encouragement,
and tell him that you love him often!
Teaching your child
safety strategies
• Remember that hitting
back is not a choice at school and shouldn't
be encouraged. In a school with a "zero
tolerance policy" for physical aggression,
encouraging your child to hit back may just
get him expelled.
• Encourage your child
to walk away and tell an adult if he feels someone
is about to hurt him.
• Talk about safe ways
to act in situations that might be dangerous.
For example, identify a "safe house"
or store or where he can find sanctuary if pursued
by bullies. Encourage him to walk with an adult
or older child. Give him a telephone number
of an available adult to call if he's afraid
and needs help dealing with a bullying situation.
Teach your child how to report
bullying incidents to adults in an effective
way. Adults are less likely to discount a child's
report as "tattling" if the report
includes:
1. What is being done to him
that makes him fearful or uncomfortable
2. Who is doing it
3. What he has done to try to resolve the problem
or to get the bully to quit
4. A clear explanation of what he needs from
the adult (or what he wants the adult to do)
to get the bully to quit.
• Brainstorm and practice
strategies with your child to avoid further
victimization.
Nurturing your child's
self-esteem
• Educate your child
about bullying and bullies. Help him put the
problem in perspective and not take it personally.
• Teach your child how
to walk in a confident manner.
• If needed, help him
pay particular attention to personal grooming
and social skills.
• Identify and encourage
your child's talents and positive attributes;
doing so may help him better assert himself
among his peers.
• Encourage your child
to make new friends. A new environment can provide
a "new chance" for a victimized student,
as he won't be subjected to the negative stereotype
other classmates have of him.
Encourage him to make
contact with calm and friendly students in his
school. Such action may require some
assistance on your part, or perhaps a school
mental health professional, to develop the child's
skills at initiating contact and maintaining
a friendship relationship. This is especially
true if your child's learning problems make
his social interactions difficult. Be sure to
provide ongoing support and encouragement, because
your child, due to earlier failures, will tend
to give up in the face of even slight adversities.
Encourage your child to participate in physical
training or sports, even if he's reluctant.
Physical exercise can result in better physical
coordination and less body anxiety, which, in
turn, is likely to increase self-confidence
and improve peer relationships.
When should the victim's
parents contact school authorities?
If the bullying occurs at school,
then the main responsibility for achieving this
goal lies with the school officials. It's important,
however, that the parents of the victim collaborate
with the school to implement an agreed-upon
plan for solving the problem.
If your child has been the
victim of bullying at school, here are some
suggestions for reporting the problem to school
authorities:
• After talking to your
child, but before contacting school personnel,
write down the details of the bullying situations
reported to you by your child. Note the dates
and the names of the kids involved. Try to view
the situation objectively and determine the
how serious it is.
• Your child may resist
your involvement if he fears retaliation by
the bully. If so, explain to your child that
most bullying situations require adult intervention
to resolve the problem. Let him know exactly
who you plan to talk to.
• Contact school personnel
for assistance in ending the bullying. First
share the problem with your child's teacher(s),
and work together to decide how to approach
the problem. If the teacher isn't able to get
the bullying under control, go to the principal
and make a formal request in writing that he
get the bullying to stop.
• Do not contact the
bully or the bully's family directly.
• Keep an ongoing log
of the dates of any further bullying incidents
and the actions you take to help your child
deal with the bullying. Inform the school of
ongoing bullying incidents.
What can the parents
of the bully do?
Parents of bullies should understand
that children who aggressively bully peers are
at increased risk for engaging in antisocial
or criminal behavior in the future. It is therefore
important to try to help bullies change their
negative attitudes and behavior toward others.
Your attitude and actions
• Take the problem seriously.
Resist a tendency to deny the problem or to
discount the seriousness of it. Avoid denial
thinking such as "Boys will be boys,"
or "Bullying is just a natural part of
growing up."
• Listen carefully and
check out the facts. Do not believe everything
your child tells you. Children who bully are
good at manipulating adults and can be very
artful at weaving a story that makes them look
innocent.
• The school or the victim's
parents may be documenting reports of your child's
bullying behaviors. It doesn't serve your child
well to deny his involvement if there is evidence
to the contrary. Check out the dates and the
activities and determine if there is a pattern
in his bullying behavior.
• Explore the reasons
for your child's negative behavior. Get professional
help if necessary for your child and/or your
family.
Holding the bully accountable
• Resist the tendency
to blame yourself. Hold your child responsible
for his own choices.
• Make it clear to your
child that you take bullying seriously, and
that you will not tolerate such behavior in
the future. Make it clear that you expect all
bullying activities to stop immediately.
• The issue of bullying
should be monitored for some time through questioning
your child and regularly contacting the school
to determine if his bullying behavior has stopped.
Helping a bully change
behavior
• Develop a clear and
simple system of family rules. Offer frequent
praise and reinforcement. Use non-hostile, negative
consequences for violations of rule-following
behavior. Consistently enforce the rules. Appropriate
consequences for bullying might include the
loss of privileges (e.g., television or computer
game time).
• Follow through with
appropriate consequences for your child's misbehavior.
Do not use physical punishment, as doing so
will only reinforce your child's mistaken belief
that it's acceptable to bully those who are
weaker to get what one wants. If both
you and the school are consistent in applying
negative consequences for bullying, the chances
he will change his behavior are considerably
increased.
• Spend more time with
your child and monitor his activities closely.
Find out who his friends are, where they spend
their leisure time, and what activities they
usually engage in. Is your child in "bad
company"? If so, limit his exposure to
the negative peer group and provide opportunities
to become involved with more pro-social peers.
• Build on your child's
talents and strengths, and help him develop
less aggressive and more empathetic reaction
patterns.
• Reward your child for
positive, caring actions and for peaceful problem
solving.
What can — and
should — parents expect the school to
do?
Whether your child is a bully,
victim, or bystander, you should expect the
following from his school:
• School administrators,
teachers, and staff should take bullying problems
seriously. The school should investigate the
situation and let you know what steps they're
taking to help stop the bullying.
• Written school policies
and rules against bullying, harassment, and
intimidation should be in place — and
be enforced.
• Teachers and administrators
should speak to the bully and his parents. They
should also tell him what the consequences will
be if he doesn't stop bullying others. If the
bullying continues, the school should enforce
the pre-determined consequences immediately.
• Teachers and administrators
should increase adult supervision in the areas
of the school campus where bullying incidents
are most likely to occur.
• School personnel should
be well-informed about the children who are
being victimized by bullies so they can monitor
and provide support to the victims as needed.
They should also communicate often with the
victims' parents to tell them how the situation
is being handled at school.
Finally, be aware that bullying
prevention programs in schools are often a very
effective way to stop bullying.
Building a bully-free
future
Even though bullying has existed
in schools for decades, that is no excuse to
continue to allow children to be bullied. Researchers
have gained new understanding of the dynamics
of bullying and the roles of all those involved.
The long-term negative outcomes of children
who are bullied are too serious to ignore.
For example, the CIA has reported that fully
two-thirds of recent school shooting incidents
in the United States were committed by youth
who had experienced severe bullying by their
classmates.
Parents and teachers hold the
power to work together to put an end to bullying
and provide a safe learning environment for
all children. In many cases, it will
be the parent who must take charge of bringing
the bullying incidents to the attention of school
authorities. Parents should expect
full cooperation from the school to resolve
the problem. The result of reducing bullying
in our schools is an improved school environment
that is friendly and welcoming to all students.
In schools where children feel protected from
bullying, they are free to spend their days
learning, building friendships, and dreaming
about all the possibilities for their lives.
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