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Domestic
Violence: Through the Eyes of a Child
The domestic violence movement
has become increasingly aware of the devastating
impact of domestic violence on children’s
lives. Over three million children in the United
States are exposed to parental violence each
year. Whether or not children actually witness
the violence, they are now considered to be
victims of this epidemic.
As they grow and develop, children
form assumptions about the world in which they
live. Is their world consistent and predictable
or chaotic and unsafe? Will their parents be
able to keep them safe and protected? Exposure
to domestic violence creates inordinate stresses
in a child’s life.
In addition to the trauma of
knowing that one parent hurts another “on
purpose,” children in homes where domestic
violence occurs are 15 times more likely to
experience child abuse than children in non-violent
homes. Instead of becoming used to regular routines
in a safe environment, children enter an environment
filled with stress and tension.
The Early Years
From the time children are conceived,
they become intimately connected with and affected
by domestic violence directed at their mothers.
Violence tends to increase during pregnancy,
which in turn contributes to an increased rate
of miscarriage. Infants often develop an intense
fear of adults, lose their appetite and scream
incessantly. Unfortunately, these behaviors
create more strain for families that are already
over-stressed.
Acting Out
Sharon is four years old.
She has trouble focusing at school and often
hits other children in her class...
Every child responds differently
to witnessing or directly experiencing domestic
violence, depending on his or her temperament,
usual coping mechanisms, developmental stage
and support systems. Some children may respond
with internalized symptoms such as regression
and social isolation. Others may develop externalized
negative behaviors that includes nightmares,
hyperactivity, aggression and delinquency.
Research about children of various
ages has found that from 50 to 70 per cent of
children exposed to domestic violence suffer
from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder at a higher
rate than either Vietnam Veterans or rape victims.
Violence puts them at significantly higher risk
for behaviors ranging from extreme withdrawal
to hyperactivity and for consequences ranging
from school failure to suicide and criminal
behavior.
Anger
Jeff is thirteen. He has
lived with his mother and father his entire
life. He loves both his parents but feels angry
with his Dad for hitting his Mom and angry at
his Mom for not protecting herself. Over the
last few years, Jeff has begun to take the situation
into his own hands, vowing to stop his Dad from
ever hurting his Mom again.
Mothers in violent relationships
are often unable to protect their children from
their batterers, who may threaten children’s
physical safety in order to control her behavior.
The violence takes a mother away from her children,
both physically and emotionally. Ironically,
mothers often stay in violent relationships
so that their children can maintain their relationship
with the second parent (father/partner). Children
are often literally “caught in the crossfire”
and may be injured when an object is thrown
or when they try to protect their mother.
Shame
Nina is nine. She is well-behaved
and performs well in school, but has made up
elaborate lies about her happy family. Her shame
prevents her from ever having friends over.
As children age, they feel increasingly
responsible for the violence in their homes.
A school-aged child often feels caught between
love for the father and desire to protect the
mother. Shame becomes a dominant theme. Children
become increasingly isolated from their peers
as they act out in school and cease to invite
friends home. As children grow into teens they
develop higher levels of delinquency and violent
behavior than those in non-violent homes.
The Perfectionist
“If only I did better
in school...”
On the other hand, a child may
become intensely perfectionist, believing that
he will be able to make things better between
his parents if only he is “good enough.”
Children who follow this path tend to do well
in school and consequently are not identified
by teachers as needing help or support. Without
outside support children continue these patterns
and are at a higher risk for suicide and other
self-destructive behaviors.
Dating
Joshua is fifteen. He hates
his father and vowed that he would never treat
women the way that his father treats his mother.
He recently began dating a girl in his class.
He has found himself becoming increasingly jealous
of time she spends with her friends and last
week he hit her ...
As teens explore romantic relationships,
the relational patterns they have learned at
home, based on control and dominance rather
than respect and equality, often affect their
expectations of romantic partners. But with
intervention, the cycle of violence can be interrupted.
Breaking the Cycle
While the picture for children
exposed to domestic violence may at first appear
dismal, Support Network staff and volunteers
bear witness daily to the incredible resilience
of children. The most critical factor in determining
whether a child will be able to overcome the
devastating impact of growing up exposed to
domestic violence is the existence of a consistent
and supportive relationship in their lives,
often with a teacher, counselor, or extended
family member.
When we work with children at
the Support Network we help them identify and
build upon their strengths, while at the same
time developing supportive relationships. We
provide both individual and group counseling,
including psycho-educational groups for 5 to
8- year-olds and 9 to 12-year-olds. Being a
part of these groups is often the first opportunity
children have to share their experiences with
children their own age. The children learn to
support each other and themselves. We hear again
and again how participation in our groups transforms
children’s lives.
Finally, our consistent support
of mothers constitutes an essential intervention
in the lives of children. Empowering mothers
to be able to make positive changes in their
lives and supporting their healing process is
one of the most important keys to helping children
heal and to break the intergenerational cycle
of violence. As children begin to express their
feelings and to understand the causes and effects
of their behavior, they are able to begin changing
the patterns in their lives.
Every member of our community
has opportunities to support children living
in violent homes. Reaching out to a neighbor’s
child, volunteering time to work on our crisis
line or with children, and talking to others
about the effects of domestic violence on children
all help to interrupt the cycle of violence
and promote prevention and healing.
Children and Domestic
Violence: The Facts
Children in homes where domestic violence
occurs are 15 times more likely to experience
child abuse than children in non-violent homes.
50 to 70 per cent of
children exposed to domestic violence suffer
from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a higher
rate than either Vietnam Veterans or rape
victims.
Violence tends to increase during pregnancy,
resulting in an increased rate of miscarriage.
As children grow into teens they exhibit higher
levels of delinquency and violent behavior
than those in non-violent homes
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