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Amy's
finger was so swollen that she couldn't get
her ring off. She didn't think her finger was
broken because she could still bend it. It had
been a week since her dad had grabbed her hand
and then shoved her into the wall, but her finger
still hurt a lot. She was so embarrassed that
she didn't tell anyone. Amy hated the way her
dad called her lots of names - and accused her
of all sorts of things she didn't do - especially
after he had been drinking. It made her feel
awful. She wished he would stop, but didn't
feel very hopeful that anything would change.
What Is Abuse?
Abuse in families can take many forms. It may
be physical, sexual, emotional, verbal, or a
combination of any or all of those. Neglect
- when parents don't take care of the basic
needs of the children who depend on them - can
be a form of abuse.
Family violence can affect anyone, regardless
of religion, color, or social standing. It happens
in both wealthy and poor families and in single-parent
or two-parent households. Sometimes parents
abuse each other, which can be hard for a child
to witness. Some parents abuse their children
by using physical or verbal cruelty as a way
of discipline. Both girls and guys can experience
abusive physical punishment by a parent - but
male children are beaten more often than female
children.
Physical abuse is often the most obvious form
of abuse. It may be any kind of hitting, shaking,
burning, pinching, biting, choking, throwing,
whipping, paddling, beating, and other actions
that cause physical injury, leave marks, or
produce significant physical pain.
Sexual abuse is any type of sexual contact between
an adult and child or between a significantly
older child and a younger child. If a person
is abused by a member of his or her immediate
family, this is called incest.
Emotional abuse can be difficult to pin down
because there are no physical signs to look
for. Sure, people yell at each other, express
anger, and call each other names sometimes,
and expressing anger can sometimes be healthy.
But emotional abuse generally occurs when the
yelling and anger go too far or when a parent
constantly belittles, threatens, or dismisses
a child until the child's self-esteem and feelings
of self-worth are damaged. And just like physical
abuse can cause physical scars, emotional abuse
can bring about emotional damage.
Neglect is probably the hardest type of abuse
to define. Neglect occurs when a child doesn't
have adequate food, housing, clothes, medical
care, or supervision. Emotional neglect happens
when a parent doesn't provide enough emotional
support or deliberately and consistently pays
very little or no attention to a child. But
it's not neglect if a parent doesn't give a
kid something he or she wants, like a new computer
or a cell phone.
Abuse doesn't just happen in families, of course.
Bullying is a form of abusive behavior that
may happen in a peer group - among people of
any age. Bullying someone by intimidation, threats,
or humiliation can be just as abusive as beating
someone up. People who bully others have often
been abused themselves. This is also true of
people who abuse someone they're dating. But
being abused is still no excuse for abusing
someone else.
Abuse can also take the form of hate crimes
directed at people just because of their race,
religion, abilities, gender, or sexual orientation.
Recognizing Abuse
It may sound strange, but people sometimes have
trouble recognizing that they are being abused.
For example, Amy has been abused but she doesn't
think of it that way. Recognizing abuse may
be especially difficult for someone who has
lived with it for many years. A person might
think that it's just the way things are and
that there's nothing that can be done about
it. People who are abused might mistakenly think
they bring it on themselves by misbehaving or
by not living up to someone's expectations.
Someone growing up in a violent or abusive family
may not know that there are other ways for family
members to treat each other. A person who has
only known an abusive relationship may mistakenly
think that hitting, beating, pushing, shoving,
or angry name-calling are perfectly normal ways
to treat someone when you're mad. Seeing parents
treat each other in abusive ways may lead a
child to think that's a normal relationship.
It's important for people who grow up with abuse
to know that it is not a normal, or healthy,
or acceptable way to treat people.
Why Does It Happen?
There is no one reason why people abuse others,
although there are some factors that seem to
make it more likely that a person may become
abusive. Growing up in an abusive family, for
example, can teach someone that abuse is a way
of life. Fortunately, though, many people who
grow up in abusive families realize that abuse
is not acceptable and are able to break patterns
of abuse.
Some people become abusive because they are
not able to manage their feelings properly.
For example, people who are unable to control
their anger or people who can't cope with stressful
personal situations (like the loss of a job
or marital problems) may lash out at others
inappropriately. Certain types of personality
disorders or mental illness can also interfere
with a person's ability to relate to others
in healthy ways or cause people to have problems
with aggression or self-control. Of course,
not everyone with a personality disorder or
mental illness becomes abusive.
Substance abuse, such as alcoholism or drug
use, can also play a role in abuse by making
it difficult for the abuser to control his or
her actions.
Of course, just because someone may have a problem,
it doesn't automatically mean that person will
become abusive. If you're one of the thousands
of people living in an abusive situation, though,
it can help to understand why some people abuse
- and to realize that violence is all about
the person doing it, not the fault of the person
being abused.
Even if someone close to you has behavioral
or other problems that cause him or her to abuse
others, these don't make the abuse acceptable,
normal, or excusable. Abuse can always be corrected,
and everyone can learn how to stop.
What Are the Effects of Abuse?
If someone is abused, it can affect every aspect
of that person's life, especially self-esteem.
How much abuse damages a person depends on the
circumstances surrounding the abuse, how often
and how long the abuse occurs, the age of the
person who was abused, and lots of other factors.
Of course, every family has arguments. In fact,
it's rare when a family doesn't have some rough
times, disagreements, and anger. Punishments
and discipline - like removing privileges, grounding,
or being sent to your room - are normal in most
families. It becomes a problem, though, when
the punishment is physically or emotionally
damaging. That's called abuse.
Abused teens often have trouble sleeping, eating,
and concentrating. They may perform poorly at
school because they are angry or frightened
or because they don't care or can't concentrate.
Many people who are abused distrust others.
They may feel a lot of anger toward other people
and themselves, and it can be hard to make friends.
Some abused teens become depressed. Some may
engage in self-destructive behavior, such as
cutting or abusing drugs or alcohol. They may
even attempt suicide.
It's normal for people who have been abused
by the people they love to not only feel upset
but also confused about what happened to them.
They may feel guilty and embarrassed and blame
themselves, especially if the abuse is sexual.
But abuse is never the fault of the person who
is being abused, no matter how much the abuser
tries to blame it on them.
Abusers often try to manipulate the people they're
abusing into either thinking the abuse is their
fault or to keep the abuse quiet. An abuser
might say things like: "This is a secret
between you and me," or "If you ever
tell anybody, I'll hurt you or your mom,"
or "You're going to get in trouble if you
tell. No one will believe you and you'll go
to jail for lying." This is the abuser's
way of making a person feel like nothing can
be done so that he or she won't take any action
to stop or report the abuse.
People who are abused may have trouble getting
help because it means they'd be reporting on
someone they love - someone who may be wonderful
much of the time and awful to them only some
of the time. So abuse often goes unreported.
What Should Someone Who's Being Abused Do?
People who are being abused need to get help.
Keeping the abuse a secret doesn't protect a
person from being abused - it only makes it
more likely that the abuse will continue.
If you or anyone you know is being abused, talk
to someone you or your friend can trust - a
family member, a friend, a trusted teacher,
a doctor, or an adult who works with youth at
school or in a place of worship. Many teachers
and counselors, for instance, have training
in how to recognize and report abuse.
Telephone directories list local child abuse
and family violence hotline numbers that you
can call for help. There's also Childhelp USA
at (800) 4-A-CHILD ([800] 422-4453).
Sometimes people who are being abused by someone
in their own home need to find a safe place
to live temporarily. It is never easy to have
to leave home, but it's sometimes necessary
to be protected from further abuse. People who
need to leave home to stay safe can find local
shelters listed in the phone book or they can
contact an abuse helpline. Sometimes a person
can stay with a relative or friend.
People who are experiencing abuse often feel
weird or alone. But they're not. No one deserves
to be abused. Getting help and support is an
important first step to change the situation.
Many teens who have experienced abuse find that
painful emotions may linger even after the abuse
stops. Working with a therapist is one way for
a person to sort through the complicated feelings
and reactions that being abused creates, and
the process can help to rebuild feelings of
safety, confidence, and self-esteem.
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