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When
Brian and Sarah began dating, all of her friends
were jealous. Brian seemed like the perfect
guy: smart, sensitive, funny, athletic, and
good-looking. For the first couple of months,
Sarah thought she had never been happier. She
started to miss her friends and family, though,
because she was spending more time with Brian
and less time with everyone else. That seemed
easier than dealing with Brian's endless questions.
He worried about what she was doing at every
moment of the day.
Sarah's friends became concerned when her behavior
started to change. She lost interest in the
things she once enjoyed, like swimming and music.
She became secretive and moody. When her friends
asked Sarah if she was having trouble with Brian,
she forcefully denied that anything was wrong.
What was going on? Read this article to find
out how to tell if you or a friend is being
abused and what you can do about it.
What Is Abuse?
Everyone has heard the songs about how much
love can hurt. But that doesn't mean physical
harm: Someone who loves you should never abuse
you. Healthy relationships involve respect,
trust, and consideration for the other person.
Abuse can sometimes be mistaken for intense
feelings of caring or concern. Sometimes abuse
can even seem flattering; think of a friend
whose boyfriend or girlfriend is insanely jealous.
Maybe you've thought your friend's partner really
cares about him or her. But actually excessive
jealousy and controlling behavior are not signs
of affection at all. Love involves respect and
trust; it doesn't mean constantly worrying about
the possible end of the relationship.
Abuse can be physical, emotional, or sexual.
Slapping, hitting, and kicking are forms of
physical abuse that can occur in both romances
and friendships.
Emotional abuse, like teasing, bullying, and
humiliating others, can be difficult to recognize
because it doesn't leave any visible scars.
Threats, intimidation, put-downs, and betrayal
are all harmful forms of emotional abuse that
can really hurt - not just during the time it's
happening, but long after, too.
It's never right to be forced into any type
of sexual experience that you don't want. This
type of abuse can happen to anyone, anytime.
The first step is to realize that you have the
right to be treated with respect and not be
physically or emotionally harmed by another
person. But how can you prevent becoming involved
in this type of relationship? How can you help
a friend who is in an abusive relationship?
Signs That You Are Being Abused
Any type of unwanted sexual advances that make
you uncomfortable are red flags that the relationship
needs to focus more on respect. Phrases like
"If you loved me, you would . . . "
also should warn you of possible abuse. A statement
like this is emotional blackmail from a person
concerned about getting what they want. Trust
your intuition. If it doesn't feel right, it
isn't.
There are important warning signs that you may
be involved in an abusive relationship. Abusive
behaviors include:
- harming you physically in any way, including
slapping, pushing, grabbing, shaking, smacking,
kicking, and punching
- trying to control different aspects of
your life, such as how you dress, who you
hang out with, and what you say
- frequently humiliating you or making you
feel unworthy; for example, if a partner
puts you down but tells you that he or she
loves you
- coercing or threatening to harm you if
you leave the relationship
- twisting the truth to make you feel you
are to blame for your partner's actions
- demanding to know where you are at all
times
- constantly becoming jealous or angry when
you want to spend time with your friends
Signs That a Friend Is Being Abused
In addition to the signs listed above, here
are some signs of abuse to look for in a friend:
- unexplained bruises, broken bones, sprains,
or marks
- excessive guilt or shame for no apparent
reason
- secrecy or withdrawal from friends and
family
- avoidance of school or social events with
excuses that don't seem to make any sense
If a friend is being abused, the one thing your
friend needs most is someone to hear and believe
him or her. Maybe your friend is afraid to tell
his or her parents because they'll make him
or her end the relationship. People who are
abused often feel like it's their fault - that
they "asked for it" or that they don't
deserve any better. But abuse is never deserved.
Your friend needs you to help him or her understand
that it is not his or her fault. Your friend
is not a bad person. The person who abused him
or her is at fault and needs professional help.
If you have a friend who is being abused, he
or she needs your patience, love, and understanding.
Your friend also needs you to encourage him
or her to get help immediately from an adult,
such as a parent or guidance counselor. Most
of all, your friend needs you to listen to him
or her without judging. It takes a lot of courage
to admit that you have been abused; let your
friend know that he or she has your full support.
How You Can Help Yourself
What should you do if you are suffering from
any type of abuse? If you can't love someone
without feeling afraid, it's time to get out
of the relationship fast. You're worth being
treated with respect and you can get help.
First, make sure you're safe. A trusted adult
can help you. If the person has physically attacked
you, don't wait to get medical attention or
call the police. Assault is illegal, and so
is rape - even if it's done by someone you are
dating.
Avoid the tendency to isolate yourself from
your friends and family. You might feel like
you have nowhere to turn, or you might be embarrassed
about what's been going on, but this is the
time when you need support most. People like
counselors, doctors, teachers, coaches, and
friends will want to help you, so let them.
Don't rely on yourself alone to get out of the
situation; the people who love and care about
you can help you break away. It's important
to know that asking for help isn't a sign of
weakness - it actually shows that you have a
lot of courage and are willing to stand up for
yourself.
Where to Get Help
There are many resources available to help you.
Your local phone book will list hundreds of
crisis centers, teen help lines, and abuse hotlines.
These organizations have professionally trained
staff to listen, understand, and help.
Ending abuse and violence in teen relationships
is a community effort with plenty of people
ready to help. Don't forget about those in your
neighborhood who will be willing and able to
help: religious leaders, school nurses, teachers,
school counselors, doctors, and other health
professionals are all sources of support and
information.
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